Sunday, November 17, 2019
Wednesday, October 2, 2019
Saturday, September 21, 2019
Another Trip around the Sun is Complete
Thursday, September 19, 2019 has come and gone. I'm 57 years old now. I don't feel any different. And yet again, I do feel different. I was dreading my birthday thinking I would come unglued on my first birthday without my husband of 34 years. But I didn't. The only tears shed on my birthday were tears of joy.
On September 17th, the 11-month anniversary of Ralph's passing, I did come apart. The realization that this is permanent, that life will never go back to what it used to be, hit really hard. I have to admit that I did not appreciate my husband as much as I should have while he was here. I didn't tell him how much I appreciated the things that he did as often as I should have or could have. Ralph was a hard working man, as all who knew him can attest. He laughed hard, loved hard, played hard. Whatever he did he gave it all.
As I look around my house each day, there is evidence of his hard work. The desk I'm sitting at, he made. There's a matching desk in Amanda's room. The bathroom cabinets he and Frank (my father in law) built. My kitchen cabinets: they built. The shelves on my bedroom wall, he made. The shelves in my living and dining room, he made. The hardwood floor in my dining room he put down, while in agonizing pain, before his first knee surgery.
The metal roof that I hear the rain on, he didn't put it on, but he made sure it was put on so that "we won't have to put another roof on this house in our lifetime." I remember him saying that when he decided to do the metal roof. I can only wonder if he knew how short his lifetime would be then? I don't think so.
The house that I live in, we built. I remember digging the foundation together (even Amanda at not quite 2, helped with a kitchen spoon). I remember holding rafters as he nailed them (not knowing as I did so that I was pregnant at the time). I remember him putting plywood down and instructing me where to stand so that my fear of heights didn't prevent me from helping him. I remember my dad doing the electrical work, my brothers-in-law doing brick/block work, tilework, and hvac work. I remember picking out furniture and appliances. I remember how empty this house seemed when we first moved in. (compared to how very cluttered it is now)
I remember picking up limbs, children's toys, and garden hoses for him to cut grass. I remember the early years in our trailer before we built the house.
I remember the years when we had our own garden and we planted and hoed together. The girls and I picked vegetables when I got home and he helped string and shell and shuck and cut vegetables for freezing after dinner. A lot of late summer nights putting up our home grown veggies.
I remember hosting Sunday School Christmas parties at our house and the fun and the laughter of those events.
Every time I cut the grass I remember him riding our grandson on the lawn mower while he cut our grass and my mother's grass every week. When I see the old swing set under the muscadine vine, I remember our children on that swing set.
I remember how often he went fishing with his parents and took our grandsons. I remember the hours he spent cutting the meat from a deer he had field dressed for us to cube or grind.
He was a faithful provider for his family. He took the commandment to "Honor thy father and mother" to heart always doing whatever his parents (and mine) needed from him. He loved his family, his country, and his God.
He didn't step foot in a church for many years, however, I know what he believed. We had talked many times over the years about scriptures and beliefs. I remember when I told him years ago that I had decided to join Bethel. He cried... we cried together. And I remember when I was baptized there, he decided to be baptized too.
There are so many memories... and future blog posts I'm sure will be written about more of those adventures. I plan to start scanning photos and add those to these postings. So much to do; so little time during our travels around the sun.
May each of you be blessed today with the Peace that Passes all Understanding and know that God loves you.
- Sign me "Loved"
On September 17th, the 11-month anniversary of Ralph's passing, I did come apart. The realization that this is permanent, that life will never go back to what it used to be, hit really hard. I have to admit that I did not appreciate my husband as much as I should have while he was here. I didn't tell him how much I appreciated the things that he did as often as I should have or could have. Ralph was a hard working man, as all who knew him can attest. He laughed hard, loved hard, played hard. Whatever he did he gave it all.
As I look around my house each day, there is evidence of his hard work. The desk I'm sitting at, he made. There's a matching desk in Amanda's room. The bathroom cabinets he and Frank (my father in law) built. My kitchen cabinets: they built. The shelves on my bedroom wall, he made. The shelves in my living and dining room, he made. The hardwood floor in my dining room he put down, while in agonizing pain, before his first knee surgery.
The metal roof that I hear the rain on, he didn't put it on, but he made sure it was put on so that "we won't have to put another roof on this house in our lifetime." I remember him saying that when he decided to do the metal roof. I can only wonder if he knew how short his lifetime would be then? I don't think so.
The house that I live in, we built. I remember digging the foundation together (even Amanda at not quite 2, helped with a kitchen spoon). I remember holding rafters as he nailed them (not knowing as I did so that I was pregnant at the time). I remember him putting plywood down and instructing me where to stand so that my fear of heights didn't prevent me from helping him. I remember my dad doing the electrical work, my brothers-in-law doing brick/block work, tilework, and hvac work. I remember picking out furniture and appliances. I remember how empty this house seemed when we first moved in. (compared to how very cluttered it is now)
I remember picking up limbs, children's toys, and garden hoses for him to cut grass. I remember the early years in our trailer before we built the house.
I remember the years when we had our own garden and we planted and hoed together. The girls and I picked vegetables when I got home and he helped string and shell and shuck and cut vegetables for freezing after dinner. A lot of late summer nights putting up our home grown veggies.
I remember hosting Sunday School Christmas parties at our house and the fun and the laughter of those events.
Every time I cut the grass I remember him riding our grandson on the lawn mower while he cut our grass and my mother's grass every week. When I see the old swing set under the muscadine vine, I remember our children on that swing set.
I remember how often he went fishing with his parents and took our grandsons. I remember the hours he spent cutting the meat from a deer he had field dressed for us to cube or grind.
He was a faithful provider for his family. He took the commandment to "Honor thy father and mother" to heart always doing whatever his parents (and mine) needed from him. He loved his family, his country, and his God.
He didn't step foot in a church for many years, however, I know what he believed. We had talked many times over the years about scriptures and beliefs. I remember when I told him years ago that I had decided to join Bethel. He cried... we cried together. And I remember when I was baptized there, he decided to be baptized too.
There are so many memories... and future blog posts I'm sure will be written about more of those adventures. I plan to start scanning photos and add those to these postings. So much to do; so little time during our travels around the sun.
May each of you be blessed today with the Peace that Passes all Understanding and know that God loves you.
- Sign me "Loved"
Sunday, September 15, 2019
A Widow's journey continues....
Back in March (2019), I wrote a post about all the things that I, as a widow, was going to need to learn to do for myself. So here it is September, 4 days before my 57th birthday, and I'm finally updating that post.
Of the things that I had never done in March, these are the things that I have done/learned in the past 6 months (This list is in no particular order) as well as some other life lessons:
1) I've learned to cut my own grass using the Kubota zero-turn. Not only have a I cut my own grass regularly, I've also been cutting my mother's grass some. I was worried about what cutting the grass would do to my allergies and asthma. I'm happy to say that I've had no ill effects from the grass cutting (other than minor sunburn).
2) I've learned that baking soda (or baking soda and vinegar together) not only kill the fire ant mounds I was treating, they also kill the grass and any other growing thing under them (lots of bare patches in my yard to prove it). Crab grass, however, is resilient and will eventually cover the bare spots.
3) I've learned to use a weed eater.
3a) I've learned to check for hornets/wasp nests in the high grass before weed eating.
3b) I've learned to wear long pants and safety glasses when weed eating and a scarf or face mask!
4) I've leaned that I'll never make a living as a painter. I painted my own bedroom this summer. While I'm satisfied with how it turned out, I doubt many other people would be (and I'm okay with that!)
5) I bought and can use my garden tiller (and have with great satisfaction)
6) I bought and have used a leaf blower... comes in really handy and is much quicker than sweeping the carport.
7) I've learned that I now can successfully use a plunger and have multiple times.
8) I've learned that I can live in my own house with or without someone in it with me.
9) I've learned I can go to bed whenever I'm ready instead of waiting for bedtime.
10) I've learned I can eat dessert first and sometimes do... Life is short, so why not?
11) I've learned I can travel on my own and give of myself (time, talents, and money) and how much more satisfying life is when I do.
12) I've learned that I can say no to things that are burdensome or stressful and not necessary to my health and well-being.
13) I've learned I can set my own health goals and go after them and achieve them. I don't need anyone else's approval, but some cheering along the way is nice.
14) I've learned that my happiness is in my own hands. I will be as happy as I decide to be.
15) I've learned that my relationship with the Lord is the most important relationship I'll ever have and the one that I need to nurture the most.
16) I've learned that simple things like an inflatable swimming pool can be the start of beautiful times spent with grandchildren.
17) Time together as family and time on my own are both important. It's not selfish to spend time doing what I want/need to do.
18) I owe no one explanations for my decisions or choices but me (God already knows, but I do need to check with Him first, before making those decisions)
19) Taking a mental health day is sometimes exactly what the doctor ordered.
20) Starting the day with prayer and devotions BEFORE exercise and work are important!
21) I've learned that when you are trusting the Lord to provide, guide, and direct, life is much more peaceful.
22) Living healthy isn't always about the food that I eat or the exercise/workout that I do. It's about taking care of my mind, my emotions, my spirit, as well as my body.
Some of these things that I "learned" I think I already knew, but had either forgotten or not practiced them. Each new day is an opportunity to learn, to grow, to think, to be happy, and to live. Instead of always just planning for some day, live today!
Do I miss my husband? Everyday. Are there things I would never have done while he was living? yes. I regret that I didn't learn more from him while he was here to teach me. That I didn't take the time to ask or observe or help as much as I could have. However, I'm thankful for the time that we had and the beautiful children and grandchildren that resulted from our union.
So now as the anniversary of his passing is just over a month away, it's time to quit looking back and begin to try to look ahead more. It doesn't mean I won't miss him, or cry, or get sentimental. I will. Always.
In the coming year, I want to be more intentional about living, loving, laughing, and learning.
There are still many things to learn (again no particular order):
1) Cooking in the Instant Pot still hasn't happened. But it will in the next year.
2) Haven't attempted to use the chain saw yet, but am sure I will learn.
3) Haven't learned to drive a tractor yet, but it's on my bucket list.
4) What it's like to take a vacation every year, but I'm working on it.
5) Sorting, organizing, and staying on task was once easy for me (oh so long ago)... I'm working toward that again. It'll take years to clear the clutter (in my house and my mind).
6) What it's like to start and complete learning projects and crafting projects while being productive at work and home. But I'm working toward that too.
When will I post again? Who knows? This writing process today has been cathartic, so maybe I'll be sooner than it was the last time. Only time will tell.
Until then I bid you Peace that Passes all understanding.
Of the things that I had never done in March, these are the things that I have done/learned in the past 6 months (This list is in no particular order) as well as some other life lessons:
1) I've learned to cut my own grass using the Kubota zero-turn. Not only have a I cut my own grass regularly, I've also been cutting my mother's grass some. I was worried about what cutting the grass would do to my allergies and asthma. I'm happy to say that I've had no ill effects from the grass cutting (other than minor sunburn).
2) I've learned that baking soda (or baking soda and vinegar together) not only kill the fire ant mounds I was treating, they also kill the grass and any other growing thing under them (lots of bare patches in my yard to prove it). Crab grass, however, is resilient and will eventually cover the bare spots.
3) I've learned to use a weed eater.
3a) I've learned to check for hornets/wasp nests in the high grass before weed eating.
3b) I've learned to wear long pants and safety glasses when weed eating and a scarf or face mask!
4) I've leaned that I'll never make a living as a painter. I painted my own bedroom this summer. While I'm satisfied with how it turned out, I doubt many other people would be (and I'm okay with that!)
5) I bought and can use my garden tiller (and have with great satisfaction)
6) I bought and have used a leaf blower... comes in really handy and is much quicker than sweeping the carport.
7) I've learned that I now can successfully use a plunger and have multiple times.
8) I've learned that I can live in my own house with or without someone in it with me.
9) I've learned I can go to bed whenever I'm ready instead of waiting for bedtime.
10) I've learned I can eat dessert first and sometimes do... Life is short, so why not?
11) I've learned I can travel on my own and give of myself (time, talents, and money) and how much more satisfying life is when I do.
12) I've learned that I can say no to things that are burdensome or stressful and not necessary to my health and well-being.
13) I've learned I can set my own health goals and go after them and achieve them. I don't need anyone else's approval, but some cheering along the way is nice.
14) I've learned that my happiness is in my own hands. I will be as happy as I decide to be.
15) I've learned that my relationship with the Lord is the most important relationship I'll ever have and the one that I need to nurture the most.
16) I've learned that simple things like an inflatable swimming pool can be the start of beautiful times spent with grandchildren.
17) Time together as family and time on my own are both important. It's not selfish to spend time doing what I want/need to do.
18) I owe no one explanations for my decisions or choices but me (God already knows, but I do need to check with Him first, before making those decisions)
19) Taking a mental health day is sometimes exactly what the doctor ordered.
20) Starting the day with prayer and devotions BEFORE exercise and work are important!
21) I've learned that when you are trusting the Lord to provide, guide, and direct, life is much more peaceful.
22) Living healthy isn't always about the food that I eat or the exercise/workout that I do. It's about taking care of my mind, my emotions, my spirit, as well as my body.
Some of these things that I "learned" I think I already knew, but had either forgotten or not practiced them. Each new day is an opportunity to learn, to grow, to think, to be happy, and to live. Instead of always just planning for some day, live today!
Do I miss my husband? Everyday. Are there things I would never have done while he was living? yes. I regret that I didn't learn more from him while he was here to teach me. That I didn't take the time to ask or observe or help as much as I could have. However, I'm thankful for the time that we had and the beautiful children and grandchildren that resulted from our union.
So now as the anniversary of his passing is just over a month away, it's time to quit looking back and begin to try to look ahead more. It doesn't mean I won't miss him, or cry, or get sentimental. I will. Always.
In the coming year, I want to be more intentional about living, loving, laughing, and learning.
There are still many things to learn (again no particular order):
1) Cooking in the Instant Pot still hasn't happened. But it will in the next year.
2) Haven't attempted to use the chain saw yet, but am sure I will learn.
3) Haven't learned to drive a tractor yet, but it's on my bucket list.
4) What it's like to take a vacation every year, but I'm working on it.
5) Sorting, organizing, and staying on task was once easy for me (oh so long ago)... I'm working toward that again. It'll take years to clear the clutter (in my house and my mind).
6) What it's like to start and complete learning projects and crafting projects while being productive at work and home. But I'm working toward that too.
When will I post again? Who knows? This writing process today has been cathartic, so maybe I'll be sooner than it was the last time. Only time will tell.
Until then I bid you Peace that Passes all understanding.
Monday, March 25, 2019
Figuring out my life
It's been a long time since I've blogged about anything. But I'm thinking I'm at a time in my life where it might do me good.
You see, 5 months ago, my husband of 34 years left the walks of this life. I know it's a temporary goodbye. However, there are things that this 56 year old widow is now dealing with for the first time.
1) I've never used a plunger (I bought one), but so far I've never had to use it.
2) I've never used a riding lawn mower. My husband had bought a Kubota zero-turn lawn tractor. I just paid off the balance last week. So I'm going to be learning to drive the thing.
3) I've never used a weed eater or a chain saw. Own both... so I guess I'll be learning how to use those too.
4) I've never smoked my own meat. I own a smoker, guess I'll be learning how to do that too.
5) I've never left the Christmas tree up past January 2nd, but it's still up (unplugged), but standing, fully decorated. Part of it is defiance... my husband always insisted it had to be taken down by January 1st (one year we were all sick at Christmas so it stayed up an extra day). No one here to insist I take it down, so I haven't yet.
6) I've never cooked in an instant pot pressure cooker. I own one. So I'll be learning to use it too.
7) I've never painted a room in my house. But I plan to paint my bedroom soon.
Many things to learn and do and see and know. My life is not as I had planned it or ever dreamed it would be. However, I plan to keep living, keep dreaming, keep laughing, keep smiling, and enjoy the time that has been given to me. And maybe along the way, I'll decide to blog more often.
You see, 5 months ago, my husband of 34 years left the walks of this life. I know it's a temporary goodbye. However, there are things that this 56 year old widow is now dealing with for the first time.
1) I've never used a plunger (I bought one), but so far I've never had to use it.
2) I've never used a riding lawn mower. My husband had bought a Kubota zero-turn lawn tractor. I just paid off the balance last week. So I'm going to be learning to drive the thing.
3) I've never used a weed eater or a chain saw. Own both... so I guess I'll be learning how to use those too.
4) I've never smoked my own meat. I own a smoker, guess I'll be learning how to do that too.
5) I've never left the Christmas tree up past January 2nd, but it's still up (unplugged), but standing, fully decorated. Part of it is defiance... my husband always insisted it had to be taken down by January 1st (one year we were all sick at Christmas so it stayed up an extra day). No one here to insist I take it down, so I haven't yet.
6) I've never cooked in an instant pot pressure cooker. I own one. So I'll be learning to use it too.
7) I've never painted a room in my house. But I plan to paint my bedroom soon.
Many things to learn and do and see and know. My life is not as I had planned it or ever dreamed it would be. However, I plan to keep living, keep dreaming, keep laughing, keep smiling, and enjoy the time that has been given to me. And maybe along the way, I'll decide to blog more often.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)