Thursday, September 19, 2019 has come and gone. I'm 57 years old now. I don't feel any different. And yet again, I do feel different. I was dreading my birthday thinking I would come unglued on my first birthday without my husband of 34 years. But I didn't. The only tears shed on my birthday were tears of joy.
On September 17th, the 11-month anniversary of Ralph's passing, I did come apart. The realization that this is permanent, that life will never go back to what it used to be, hit really hard. I have to admit that I did not appreciate my husband as much as I should have while he was here. I didn't tell him how much I appreciated the things that he did as often as I should have or could have. Ralph was a hard working man, as all who knew him can attest. He laughed hard, loved hard, played hard. Whatever he did he gave it all.
As I look around my house each day, there is evidence of his hard work. The desk I'm sitting at, he made. There's a matching desk in Amanda's room. The bathroom cabinets he and Frank (my father in law) built. My kitchen cabinets: they built. The shelves on my bedroom wall, he made. The shelves in my living and dining room, he made. The hardwood floor in my dining room he put down, while in agonizing pain, before his first knee surgery.
The metal roof that I hear the rain on, he didn't put it on, but he made sure it was put on so that "we won't have to put another roof on this house in our lifetime." I remember him saying that when he decided to do the metal roof. I can only wonder if he knew how short his lifetime would be then? I don't think so.
The house that I live in, we built. I remember digging the foundation together (even Amanda at not quite 2, helped with a kitchen spoon). I remember holding rafters as he nailed them (not knowing as I did so that I was pregnant at the time). I remember him putting plywood down and instructing me where to stand so that my fear of heights didn't prevent me from helping him. I remember my dad doing the electrical work, my brothers-in-law doing brick/block work, tilework, and hvac work. I remember picking out furniture and appliances. I remember how empty this house seemed when we first moved in. (compared to how very cluttered it is now)
I remember picking up limbs, children's toys, and garden hoses for him to cut grass. I remember the early years in our trailer before we built the house.
I remember the years when we had our own garden and we planted and hoed together. The girls and I picked vegetables when I got home and he helped string and shell and shuck and cut vegetables for freezing after dinner. A lot of late summer nights putting up our home grown veggies.
I remember hosting Sunday School Christmas parties at our house and the fun and the laughter of those events.
Every time I cut the grass I remember him riding our grandson on the lawn mower while he cut our grass and my mother's grass every week. When I see the old swing set under the muscadine vine, I remember our children on that swing set.
I remember how often he went fishing with his parents and took our grandsons. I remember the hours he spent cutting the meat from a deer he had field dressed for us to cube or grind.
He was a faithful provider for his family. He took the commandment to "Honor thy father and mother" to heart always doing whatever his parents (and mine) needed from him. He loved his family, his country, and his God.
He didn't step foot in a church for many years, however, I know what he believed. We had talked many times over the years about scriptures and beliefs. I remember when I told him years ago that I had decided to join Bethel. He cried... we cried together. And I remember when I was baptized there, he decided to be baptized too.
There are so many memories... and future blog posts I'm sure will be written about more of those adventures. I plan to start scanning photos and add those to these postings. So much to do; so little time during our travels around the sun.
May each of you be blessed today with the Peace that Passes all Understanding and know that God loves you.
- Sign me "Loved"
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