I used to think that when, if I ever had grandchildren, I wanted to be just like my Granny Queen. I have such fond memories of going to Granny & Grandaddy's house. There were always tea cakes in the cookie jar. Playing on the slim jim in the back bedroom amongst the jars of canned fruits and vegetables. Climbing the barbed wire fence into the cow pasture to go to the outhouse. Hiding Easter eggs in the block wall, in trees, in old tractor tires, and sometimes in cousin Eddie's shirt pocket. Good times when life was less dramatic and traumatic and the cares of life were not what they are now.
I see my mother's physical and mental health declining and one of Granny's saying comes to mind "there but for the grace of God go I". I want to be supportive of my mom and my stepdad, but it's hard to know sometimes what to do to help them when it's not really clear what the problem is.
I was looking forward to a quiet weekend, seeing family, and relaxing. We've had some of that. Didn't go to a singing I had planned to, but I just wasn't up to it. The constant migraines are beginning to get very old.
There's so much in my heart and my mind and I don't know how to begin to put it all in words. of these things I am certain.
God is watching over me, He's taking care of me, and He has a plan for my life, for my family, and for the stranger I've yet to me. There are no chance meetings in life. So how do I make sure that I am where God wants me to be to do the things He wants me to do at the appropriate time? How do I help someone else along the way. There are so many hurting people, so many disillusioned people, so much on the job stress, much of which doesn't have to be that way. But how do we break free from the circumstances and truly give it all to the Lord?
I've been studying in the book of Job. Here's a man who had everything, and lost it all. Nothing he did (or failed to do) caused this tragedy. He lost his children, his goods, his livelihood, and his wife told him to curse God and die. But he didn't. His friends who came to "comfort" him in his grief, accused him of all sorts of sins and shortcomings and blamed him for his circumstances. So often today we blame people for their circumstances when the things that happened were not of their own doing. Granted some times we get ourselves into messes, but that's not always the case. I wonder in his situation, would I be like Job and cling to my Lord, or would I be like his wife and resign myself to death. I don't know.
I do know that after a while I get tired of the constant stress and strain of this life. The cares of dealing with diabetes, sores that don't want to heal, and ear infection that doesn't ever some to go completely aware, constant battles with blood pressure and weight. The finger sticks, the injections, the pills, the constant medicating. Watch what you eat... what's in this, you can't have that... It is a daily battle. And then I remember that there are people who need the same medication I take and can't get it either because they live in a place where it isn't available or they can't afford it or have no way to refrigerate it. I complain, but what do I really have to complain about?
I still have my mother, my daughters, my husband, and a beautiful little grandson. I have a job, though stressing and frustrating at time, out of which I derive a lot of personal satisfaction in things I accomplish.
Is it enough? I am doing enough with my life? Am I meant to do more? And if more, what?
Sometimes I wonder. And then the fatigue hits me, and I just want to sleep. So Granny will stop her wanderings for now and say Good Night. Hopefully tomorrow will dawn and the sun will shine out the clearer on a bright new day with endless possibilities and much more clarity of what needs to be done.
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